The Hummel Games
by Kitalene Crimson
Summary: Everyone wants Kurt Hummel, but only one person can have him. After not much consideration, the club arrives at a solution: a match to the death! If you hate Kurt, this isn't for you. Also, don't take it too seriously.
1. The Argument

The Hummel Games

Note: All characters in this story are bisexual. If they weren't, this story would be much shorter. I don't own Glee or The Hunger Games, awesome as that would be. Also, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this.

Summary:

Everyone wants Kurt Hummel, but only one person can have him. After (not) much consideration, the club arrives at a solution: a match to the death! If you hate Kurt, this isn't for you. Also, don't take it too seriously.

Competitors:

**Rachel Berry**

**Finn Hudson**

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

**Santana Lopez**

**Noah Puckerman**

**Quinn Fabray**

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

**Mike Chang**

**Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Rory Flanagan**

**Sugar Motta**

**Artie Abrams**

**Mercedes Jones**

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

**Lauren Zizes**

**Jesse St. James**

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

* * *

Chapter 1- The Argument

* * *

"Kurt's mine!"

"No, he's mine!"

It was happening again.

Rachel Berry and Sam Evans were in an argument, glaring and screaming at each other, throwing in the occasional curse word. Honestly, the stuation was getting insane. Everyone in the club was fighting with everyone else, all over one person.

Kurt Hummel.

Honestly, everyone was smitten with him. They worshipped his luxurious hair, his colouful eyes, his delicate skin, his dreamy voice, and those erotic hips that could turn on inanimate objects.

The whole world loved Kurt, and most of them would do pretty much anything to catch his attention for just a second. Luckily for the New Directions, Kurt was in their presence pretty much every day. Seeing the wingless angel all the time only inflamed their lust, causing them to fight all the time. All the regular relationship drama was forsaken in favour of Kurt.

Rachel and Sam continued to bicker, ignoring Quinn and Santana in a full-on catfight behind them, and Puck beating up Mike.

Kurt entered the choir room, saw the fighting, and left again. What was it with them? Kurt knew he was hot, but surely this kind of reaction was not normal, even for horny teenagers like themselves. Right?

* * *

The next day, before any fighting could commence, Will Schuester stood up and cleared his throat.

"I am sick of all of you fighting over Kurt! He's a person, not some kind of object or prize. This ends now! One of you have to date Kurt so the rest will stop fighting."

Santana raised her hand.

"Santana?"

"You're crazy, Schue. Even if someone else dated Kurt, we'd keep fighting over him. In fact, we'd probably kill his new date."

"Right."

"True that."

"Totally."

"I know," the teacher replied. "That's why I thought up a plan!" He stepped away from the board to reveal the words written on it.

"..Fight To The Death?"

"Yes! You will be placed in an arena where you will fight and kill each other. The last one standing will be the victor."

Quinn frowned. "That seems awfully familiar..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Now, I shall call this glorious event The Hummel Games!"

"Definitely familiar..."

* * *

And so the Hummel Games began. Will Schuester acted as the official Game Organiser, which he insisted was nothing like a Gamemaker.

First, he took down names of people who were interested. After searching all of Ohio, he could only find 23 people. Disastrous, as he wanted 24. Just like... nothing!

Just as he was about to add Sue Sylvester to the list, there was a powerful red flash of light. Will looked around for the source, only to find a young woman standing near him.

She had curly hair, was an average height and was of indeterminate age. "Excuse me," she said, "I would like to join the Hummel Games."

"Awesome!" Will cried out. "Name?"

"Kitalene Crimson."

"Age?"

"Indeterminate."

"Weapon of choice?"

"Sarcasm."

"Really?"

"No, I prefer to slay my enemies with crepe paper and birthday cake."

"Okay, you're in! Let the Hummel Games begin, and may the chances be favourable to you! Or something."


	2. Training

Competitors:

**Rachel Berry**

**Finn Hudson**

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

**Santana Lopez**

**Noah Puckerman**

**Quinn Fabray**

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

**Mike Chang**

**Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Rory Flanagan**

**Sugar Motta**

**Artie Abrams**

**Mercedes Jones**

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

**Lauren Zizes**

**Jesse St. James**

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

* * *

Chapter 2: Training

* * *

Sue Sylvester stared down the twenty-four young adults in front of her. In a matter of weeks, twenty-three of them would be dead and one would have a super-hot boyfriend.

"Now, you wimps," she boomed through her megaphone. "If you are going to have the slightest chance at winning this little contest, you have to be totally ruthless. Kill your best friends without a second thought. Use absolutely anything as a weapon. Most importantly, do not regret a thing. Become bloodthirsty killing machines, and remember it's all for Porcelain. You think this is hard? Try washing your face with cyanide. THAT'S HARD!"

Within minutes, the tributes- sorry, Kurtsies were exercising, identifying poisonous plants and killing numerous dummies and targets. Sue watched Santana hurl a spear into a dummy, hitting it straight in the heart.

"Outstanding."

Puck and Sam had a mock sword fight, practicing their moves but not actually drawing blood. They were saving that for the competition. Already small alliances were forming all around the room. Quinn had teamed up with Brittany and Santana, Mercedes and Rachel had united, and strangely enough, Tina and Puck seemed to have allied. Kitalene was talking to Harmony and Sunshine, convincing them to team up with her.

"Come on, girls! With your singing voices and my sarcasm, we'll be the strongest team ever!"

Harmony stared at her with an are-you-kidding-me look on her face. "You do realise this isn't a debate, right?"

"It isn't?"

"No. It's a literal, physical fight to the death. It kind of reminds me of-"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Sunshine screamed. Afterwards, she blushed. "I have no idea why I just said that."

In contrast, Kitalene blanched, lending special irony to her surname. "What am I going to do now?"

"...Probably die. And go to Self-Insert Hell."

"I'm not a Mary-Sue. I have fatal flaws."

"Like?"

"Um, I don't think before signing up for death matches?"

"True..."

* * *

The training continued for days, with the Kurtsies pausing only to eat and sleep. There were no fancy chariot rides or interviews, not like the- nothing! On the day of competition, Sue left them all one last sweet goodbye.

"I can't wait to see you all die, weaklings. You think this is hard? Try writing a light yet subtly tragic parody, that's hard!"

Well, maybe it wasn't that sweet.

The teenagers were strapped into a flying school bus and taken to the arena, which greatly resembled William McKinley High for some reason.

"Well, we just used the school," Will explained to Sue. "Figgins cut our death match budget, so I had to make allowances. Don't worry, I filled it with all kinds of unspeakable horrors! There's also candy in the janitor's closet."

Sue slapped Will in the face, shaking her head at his simpleminded buffoonery.

On the bus, the teens kept themselves occupied by singing. Unfortunately, they were all singing different songs.

"I've got the moves like Jagger!"

"Don't cry for me, Argentina!"

**"**I'm starting with the man in the mirror!"

"You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream!"

"We only said goodbye with words!"

"Rubber ducky, you're the one!"

* * *

Eventually, the bus touched down in the school parking lot. By this time, the competitors were full of energy and the bus driver was deaf. The doors opened and twenty-four Kurtsies piled off and ran in different directions. Except for Artie, he drove his wheelchair like a boss.

Puck and Tina picked up swords and stuck close to each other, prowling the halls and preparing to slaughter anyone who came near them.

A sudden movement and- SLASH!

Tina's sword was red with blood, and Sugar Motta was dead on the floor.

Far away, a cannon fired, reminding everyone of- absolutely nothing at all. Tina stared at Sugar, horrified at herself. She let a few tears fall, but then remembered Sue's words.

_Most importantly, do not regret a thing. Become bloodthirsty killing machines..._

Tina closed her eyes, and opened them as someone totally unrecognisable.


	3. All Hell Breaks Loose

Competitors:

**Rachel Berry**

**Finn Hudson**

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

**Santana Lopez**

**Noah Puckerman**

**Quinn Fabray**

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

**Mike Chang**

**Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Rory Flanagan**

Sugar Motta

**Artie Abrams**

**Mercedes Jones**

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

**Lauren Zizes**

**Jesse St. James**

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

(All non-bold characters are dead.)

* * *

Chapter 3- All Hell Breaks Loose

* * *

The Unholy Trinity had barricaded themselves in the choir room with the door locked and curtains shut. Santana and Quinn stood guard with bows and arrows (much like Katni- who?), while Brittany drew on the whiteboard. She whimsically scribbled an image of herself slicing Blaine open with a scythe, with plenty of red marker to represent blood.

"Look at my picture, Santana!"

Santana smiled at Brittany, but didn't move. "I'd love to, Britt, but I have to stay here. People might come in and kill us, and Quinn and I have to stop that from happening. After all, I wants to get my Hummel on."

Quinn frowned. "Aren't you a lesbian, Santana?"

"Yeah, but I'd go straight for Kurt. Who wouldn't?"

"Let me think..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"No, nobody."

Brittany finished her drawing and took a hairclip out of her hair. The other girls kept their eyes and bows trained on the door, watching for any possible disturbance.

Hours passed, and Santana was bored again.

"Hey Quinn?"

"Yeah?"

"Who would you rather have sex with: Finn or Sam?"

"Um... Probably Sam."

"Because he looks more like you and would therefore help fill your narcisstic tendencies by pretending to do the nasty with yourself?"

"What? How does... how does that even work? And I picked him because of his abs."

"Brittany's abs are better."

* * *

While the girls bantered, Brittany snuck up behind Quinn, brandishing her hairclip. Once she was right behind Quinn, the blonde dancer tapped Quinn's shoulder.

"What is it, Brittany?"

"Only one of us can win, right?"

Quinn nodded sadly. "Ri-"

She was cut off the the sharp end of Brittany's hairclip penetrating her throat. As Quinn died, Brittany did a victory dance which consisted of twirls, jumps, backflips and epic jazz hands. A cannon fired, and Brittany took the deceased Quinn's bow and arrows. She shot one into the wall, laughing. "Look Santana, I'm Katn-"

"Britt, you just killed Quinn. One of our _best friends._"

"I know."

"I am so proud of you."

"Thanks, 'Tana."

"Just don't kill me."

"Okay. Let's go kill Artie. He's in a wheelchair, so he can't run away."

"Ah Brittany... you've become a ruthless, bloodlusting monster."

"Rubber ducky, you're the one..."

* * *

As Brittana hunted down Artie, Mercedes and Unique were engaged in the greatest diva-off of all time in the McKinley High gym. Jesse St. James lay dead between them, and the duet was electrifying enough to literally electric-shock people. They shot each other glares, hisses and intimidating vocal runs. They were singing the anthem of the ages, the diva's trademark song.

"**R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"**

"Find out what it means to me!"

**"R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"**

Rory Flanagan was at the sideline, acting as the judge. He literally shivered with awe at each note from the girls (yes, I consider Unique a girl and you should too) and had a permanent expression of happiness. He almost forgot that this was a death match.

At the end, the near-identical singers turned to Rory in a near-identical way. "Who won?" they demanded in near-identical voices.

"Well..." Rory rushed to get the words out, his accent only serving to jumble them further. "Ican'tdecidewhowonyouwerebothsoam azing."

Mercedes's eyes narrowed. "What? I am not being double-cast again!"

Unique shook her head. "No, no, no! Unique demands that the judge changes his mind. Unique killed that song, whilst Mercedes simply murdered it."

"You bitch, that is my song! I auditioned for Glee Club with that song!"

"Well, Unique's surprised they let you in."

With that, the diva-off of all time was followed by the catfight of all time. Hair was torn, limbs were bitten, faces were scratched, the whole bit. After about ten minutes of this, Rory picked up a trident (like Fi- no one at all!) and threw it into the middle of the fracas. When the figurative smoke cleared, Mercedes was dead and Unique had a LOT of bruises.

With quiet dignity, Unique pulled the trident out of Mercedes's internal organs and stabbed Rory to death with it.

"That'll teach you to be indecisive, you unidentified Irish."

After hearing the cannons, she wandered away, still holding the weapon.

There was only room for one soulful diva in this game, and I guess that was Unique. Good for her.


	4. In Which A Bunch More People Die

Sorry for not updating for so long! I guess I just got sidetracked. But here's a nice new chapter, all for you! And thanks for all the reviews! They inspire me to write faster *hint hint*.

Competitors:

**Rachel Berry**

**Finn Hudson**

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

**Santana Lopez**

**Noah Puckerman**

Quinn Fabray

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

**Mike Chang**

**Tina Cohen-Chang**

Rory Flanagan

Sugar Motta

**Artie Abrams**

Mercedes Jones

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

**Lauren Zizes**

Jesse St. James

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

* * *

Chapter 4: In Which A Bunch More People Die

* * *

Rachel and Finn were in the auditorium, being all sickening and couple-y. First each of them sang a solo, then a duet to showcase their feelings about dying and about each other. Then, Finn had a rare burst of intelligence.

"If we love each other so much, why are we willing to risk death for an opportunity to date Kurt?"

"Because Kurt's perfect, duh."

Finn mulled it over for a few seconds.

"Yeah, he is. But wait, he's my brother!"

"Stepbrother."

"Whatever. I can't date my brother, no matter how awesome and hot he is. Oh Grilled Cheesus, just kill me now."

Finn meant it figuratively, but Rachel too it literally. She swung her sword and beheaded Finn in one stroke. As the cannon went off, Rachel cried and sang another solo... and another... and another... and ano-

"SHUT UP!"

Artie Abrams rolled into the auditorium, making use of a handicapped ramp that was conveniently there. He was closely followed by Mike Chang and Blaine Anderson.

"Seriously," Mike said. "We could handle one heartbroken ballad, but this is just ridiculous. So you killed Finn, so what? This is the Hummel Games. You did the right thing."

Everyone stood there in shock, digesting the fact that Mike had just spoken twice as much as he usually did in one episode. Blaine took that opportunity to slice Rachel to ribbons with a scythe, then turn on his teammates. Artie was easy to strike down, but Mike presented more of a challenge.

The boys fought for a long time, but Blaine eventually won by pulling out his secret weapon: an extra bottle of hair gel. He squirted the whole bottle into Mike's nose and mouth, suffocating the Asian boy.

Blaine stood, surrounded by dead bodies. In the distance, the cannon fired three times. Blaine was frozen to the spot, horrified by what he had done. The bloodied scythe was still in his hand, silently dripping on the auditorium floor.

* * *

After Blaine had been frozen for about ten minutes, Brittana rushed in.

"I think Artie went this way."

"Awesome. Come on Britt, keep up!"

"Wait... what's this?"

The girls took in the sight before them. They didn't notice the bodies of Mike and Rachel, only the dead Artie and living Blaine. Brittany's normally blank face took on a furious expression.

"Artie was mine! How could you just go and kill him?"

The blonde advanced on Blaine, snatching the scythe out of his hand. Just as she was about to deliver the killing blow... Blaine disappeared. He reappeared on the stage, well out of Brittana's reach.

Brittana's faces twisted in confusion, as Kitalene walked in.

"Brittana Lopierce," Kitalene boomed. Her voice was much louder than it should have been. "You are the favourites to win this game. You are fierce, strong, clever, everything a victor should be."

Santana smiled. "Thanks."

Kitalene's eyes sparkled evilly. "No, that's not a good thing. It means that one of you has to die. Everyone deserves a fighting chance, and they don't get that when Brittana's around."

The blonde and the Latina stared into each other's eyes. One of them would have to sacrifice themselves to save the other.

There was a second of silence.

"ME!"

"ME!"

Both girls called out, hoping to save each other. Kitalene shook her head a tiny bit.

"Only one of you. Coach Sylvester said it was to inflict extra pain. Let's see... Santana called out first."

The (rather blatant) self-insert pulled out a laser gun and shot Santana with it, reducing the spicy Latina to a pile of dust. After the cannon fired, Kitalene dematerialised.

* * *

Brittany collapsed to the floor, crying her blue eyes out. Then, she remembered her backup plan for if she lost Santana. The cheerleader pulled a small bottle out of her bra, opening the lid and drinking the contents.

_Now I can die by poison, _the girl thought happily.

Several minutes passed, and Brittany didn't feel any weaker. An hour... two hours... eventually, sixteen hours passed and Brittany was still perfectly healthy.

She examined her poison bottle, wondering if it was defective. It was then that she realised...

She'd accidentally packed a tiny bottle of non-toxic children's cough syrup.

Brittany pulled her own hair, frustrated beyond belief, until she saw the good in the situation.

_At least I won't get a cold._


	5. Delicious Candy

Competitors:

Rachel Berry

Finn Hudson

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

Santana Lopez

**Noah Puckerman**

Quinn Fabray

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

Mike Chang

**Tina Cohen-Chang**

Rory Flanagan

Sugar Motta

Artie Abrams

Mercedes Jones

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

**Lauren Zizes**

Jesse St. James

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

* * *

Chapter 5: Delicious Candy

* * *

While competitors died, Sunshine and Harmony had been hiding in Coach Sylvester's office. Neither of them attended McKinley, so they were unaware of whom the office belonged to. Even in the most desperate situations, no McKinley student would dream of setting foot in that office.

"So, how long do you think this wil take?"

Sunshine looked up. "What makes you think I would know?"

Harmony shrugged. "You're Asian, and Asians are smart."

The Filipino girl sighed and shook her head. "That is such a stereotype."

"But you are smart, right?"

"...Yes. Okay, there's been ten cannons..." A shot rang out. "Eleven... so there's thirteen of us left. That means there's eleven enemies that need to die. It's been two days, so logically, it would be another two days."

"Awesome!"

"I wasn't finished. There's this book I read once that had a situation a lot like this, and after the first burst of death, it was a lot slower. Typically, about two weeks."

"Oh, so we just have to stay alive until then."

"Pretty much."

"What was the name of that book you read?"

"In Filipino, it was called _Ang mga Pagkagutom Laro*._"

"Sounds nerdy."

* * *

Sebastian Smythe was having the time of his life. He had opted to hide in the janitor's closet, and had discovered a supply of candy. The candy was now being stored in the boys' bathroom, Sebastian's hideout.

Tina was dead on the bathroom floor, because her major character development tends to occur off-screen. Sebastian had tricked her with a poisoned candy, not wanting any blood in his nice clean hideout. Red wine on a blazer was bad enough.

As he pigged out on some chocolate, he listened to the sounds outside. There weren't many sounds, except for the heavy tread of David Karofsky pacing outside.

Karofsky had caught sight of Sebastian earlier and tried to kill him, but the Warbler had slipped into the bathroom and locked the door. David was trying to starve Sebastian out.

Of course, that wasn't going to happen. Not when he had all this delicious _candy..._

* * *

From the safety of Sue's house, Sue, Will and Kurt watched the cameras that were trained on every room of the school.

"I knew those cameras would come in handy," Sue narrated. "Screw Figgins and his death-match budget."

Kurt leaned over and tapped one of the multiple screens. "How did Blaine get up there?"

The trio watched Blaine swing from one of the spotlights in the auditorium. He had a look of blissful joy on his face, as he always did when abusing furniture.

"Well, Porcelain, that young Burt Reynolds is a hobbit, and hobbits have magical powers. Frodo here has obviously mastered the art of levitation... or walking on walls."

Will rolled his eyes. "None of that is true, Sue."

"Hold your tongue, Butt Chin. I'll have you know that in late 1998, Peter Jackson and I had a one-night stand. I had been travelling the Amazonian rainforests, searching for hobbits to use as butlers, and the natives told me about their powers. And if you've watched a jungle movie, you know that Amazonian natives are always right."

"Sue, you are deranged!"

"You can't call me deranged, I'll have you arrested for slander. It's in my contract!"

Neither of the educators noticed Kurt putting on a pair of designer earmuffs.

* * *

Noah Puckerman was patrolling the library, wondering where Tina had gone. As he strolled down the adult fiction aisle, he picked out a few erotic stories to read at night.

As he chuckled over his latest finds, he let his guard down for just a moment. However, it was enough to let Lauren Zizes tackle him to the ground.

The professional wrestler let out a battle cry as she pinned Puck down. Lauren had been looking for someone to kill since the start, but everyone had heard her coming.

"Wait a moment!" Puck cried out. "Lauren, remember when we used to date?"

"Ummmm... yeah, I guess we did. So, what's that got to do with anything?"

"Uh, don't kill me?" The tone of the last part of Puck's statement involuntarily rose, making it sound like a question.

However, the plea fell on deaf ears, as Lauren wrapped her large hands around Puck's throat. She began to strangle the Jewish boy, keeping him held down by sitting on him.

Just when Puck had almost lost consciousness, something fell out of Lauren's pocket.

"Damn, my chips." As the wrestler removed her hands and reached for the chips, Puck acted fast. He slapped Lauren, breaking her glasses.

Lauren screamed with frustration, practically blind without her glasses. She fell over, most of her bulk landing on Puck's neck. The bone was cleanly snapped in two, killing Puck in seconds.

As Lauren stumbled around, shards of broken glass were collected, sticking deep into Lauren's skin. She was dead in a few hours from blood loss and head trauma from falling over.

Kurt sadly watched the library screen, the senseless death and tragedy.

_Why can't these people be civilized and oh, I don't know, let _me _choose who I want to date? What if David were to win? He's a good friend now, but I just don't see him in that way._

The fashionable boy turned off the screens, no longer interested in seeing what happened next.

He wasn't supposed to have a preference, but he secretly had a few people he wanted to win the most. Luckily, everyone on that list was alive... right now.

_This was a terrible idea._

* * *

*_Ang mga Pagkagutom Laro _is Filipino for _The Hunger Games._

Poor Kurt. And again, sorry for the long wait! Please review loads, it inspires me and boosts my self-esteem and stuff.

This is my first chapter to exceed 1,000 words (including Author's Notes and stuff)! Let's celebrate!


	6. Alliances

Before the next batch of crazy, I just want to say thank you. Right now, this story has 19 reviews, 6 favourites and 12 alerts. I never thought any story of mine would be this popular, so THANK YOU.

* * *

Competitors:

Rachel Berry

Finn Hudson

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

Santana Lopez

Noah Puckerman

Quinn Fabray

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

Mike Chang

Tina Cohen-Chang

Rory Flanagan

Sugar Motta

Artie Abrams

Mercedes Jones

**Joe Hart**

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

Lauren Zizes

Jesse St. James

**Kitalene Crimson**

**David Karofsky**

* * *

Chapter 6: Alliance...s

* * *

Three days passed with no deaths. The eleven remaining competitors were keeping to themselves, simply trying to survive. It was quiet. It was peaceful.

It was boring.

At the end of the third day, Sue decided to take action. She strode into the camera room, ignoring Will's shriek as he tried to cover up the porn he'd been watching.

"Put it back in your pants William, and listen up. The Hummel Games are not going well. We may have gotten rid of over half of those pathetic mouth-breathers, but none of them have died off in three days. Sweet Porcelain is becoming restless, and we need to do something. Since Figgins cut the death-match budget, we can't have huge fires or landmines, so we need to improvise."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Will's face was skeptical.

"Alliances, William. Those tone-deaf losers are a volatile bunch. There's only one functioning alliance among them, and even that will eventually break down. We force those kids together, and they'll be at each other's throats within minutes, like in your precious Glee Club. Oh, and take that porn elsewhere. I ought to have you arrested."

* * *

Unique had set up camp in the Home Economics room, taking advantage of the cooking supplies. She had plenty of food, and had built a snowman from flour and brown sugar.

As Unique gave the snowman facial features made from raisins, a booming voice rang through every room. It didn't seem to be coming from anywhere, but nobody questioned it because it was a Kitalene Crimson fanfiction, meaning nothing made sense.

"ATTENTION, SLOPPY BABIES. YOU MORONS HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE FOR THREE DAYS, AND I WANT SOME ACTION! CHOP CHOP! SO, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL OF YOU MUST FORM AN ALLIANCE. THAT MEANS, YOU MUST FIND SOMEONE TO WORK WITH UNTIL YOU DRIVE EACH OTHER INSANE AND SOMEONE GETS THEIR THROAT CUT. YOU HAVE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, OR YOU WILL BE INCINERATED."

As suddenly as the voice had appeared, it disappeared.

Unique sighed. Now she was going to have to choose a random person as an ally, and risk being killed by them. Even if Unique didn't get killed, she would have to kill her ally eventually.

And worst of all, she'd have to abandon her snowman.

Sassy Black Diva 2.0 left the Home Economics room and crept along the hallways, making as little noise as possible. She'd made it about halfway across school when she realised she needed to... _go._ Conveniently, a girls' bathroom was right next to Unique. She opened the door and quickly closed it behind her.

She heard a gasp from the back of the room. "Hey, I thought that door was locked!"

Unique stepped closer, on edge. All thoughts of using the bathroom were forgotten as she searched for a viable weapon.

"Hey, calm down. I won't hurt you." Sam Evans walked over to Unique and studied her face. "I thought you were Mercedes... but you look too different."

"I'm not Mercedes. My name's Unique." Unique hoped that Sam didn't know about her killing Mercedes. From the way he said her name, Sam seemed to like Mercedes a lot.

"Well, Unique, welcome to my hideout. I think everyone's got their own place. So, did you hear that voice telling us to form alliances?"

"Yeah... are you suggesting we have an alliance?"

"Sure! You seem nice."

"Thanks, so do you. Hey, I left loads of food in the Home Economics room. What do you say we relocate there?"

"Sounds great!"

* * *

Karofsky patrolled the hallway, waiting for Sebastian to run out of food. After a while, he got tired, so he stood in front of the door. All in all, it was very boring, and he longed for action.

It took a while, but it eventually happened. Joe Hart, wide-eyed and flustered, came rushing down the hall and was speared by Karofsky in one fluid movement, dying before he even had time to scream.

The cannon went off, and David smiled. While he was distracted for that one moment, a tiny figure jumped on his back, clawing at his head and neck.

Karofsky attempted to shake off his attacker, while trying to figure out who it was. Sebastian was trapped... it was too small to be Matt or Sam... there were no boobs, so they couldn't be a woman...

Blaine poked David's eye, causing him to scream.

"That was for Kurt, Neanderthal!"

As the boys fought, the bathroom door swung open to reveal Sebastian. The Warbler immediately joined Blaine in attacking David. Slowly, Blaine and Sebastian secured the upper hand, then went in for the kill. Sebastian strangled Karofsky, and Blaine delivered a hard kick to Karofsky's groin. The scream was muffled by the choking sounds.

It only took a few minutes for Karofsky to stop struggling. Once the cannon had detonated, the boys high-fived.

"Hey Sebastian," Blaine said. "I know we're not really friends, but I think we should team up. After all, taking down that wildebeest was pretty awesome."

"Yeah, it was. Besides, he's been patrolling this door for three days. I was waiting for a distraction so I could get out. I owe you one, so yeah. We can be allies. Come on, I'll share my candy with you."

* * *

Meanwhile, Kitalene was desperately trying to join an alliance. She had been rejected by Unique and Sam, Harmony and Sunshine, even Matt and Brittany. The twenty-four hours were almost up, it being two minutes to incineration.

Kitalene raced through the hallway, cursing the day she had joined The Hummel Games.

At thirty seconds to the deadline, she came across a piece of candy that Sebastian had dropped. She quickly picked it up and popped it into her mouth.

_At least I'll die with a delicious taste in my mouth._

Once she tasted the candy, she spat it out. It was an Almond Joy, Kitalene's least favourite candy.

_Well, this just sucks._

An alarm sounded and Kitalene crumbled to ash.

* * *

The chapters seem to be getting longer. Have you noticed?


	7. Oh, Brittany

Oh my God. I haven't updated in forever, have I? I'm so sorry, I just got caught up in school and real life and stuff, and I couldn't find inspiration for the longest time. But here I am now.

* * *

Competitors:

Rachel Berry

Finn Hudson

**Unique Adams**

**Blaine Anderson**

Santana Lopez

Noah Puckerman

Quinn Fabray

**Sam Evans**

**Brittany Pierce**

Mike Chang

Tina Cohen-Chang

Rory Flanagan

Sugar Motta

Artie Abrams

Mercedes Jones

Joe Hart

**Harmony Pearce**

**Sebastian Smythe**

**Sunshine Corazon**

**Matt Rutherford**

Lauren Zizes

Jesse St. James

Kitalene Crimson

David Karofsky

* * *

Chapter 7: Oh, Brittany...

* * *

Matt and Brittany were doing quite well in their hideout on the roof. Matt had recalled Puck finding a secret passage in freshman year. He had mostly used it to spit on unsuspecting students and teachers below, except for that time when the guys had a paper-plane-throwing competition.

Brittany was slowly eating an apple, staring up at the sky.

"What's on your mind, Britt?" Next to Santana and Quinn, Matt was Brittany's best friend. They had kept in touch after Matt's transfer, and had been delighted to see each other again.

The blonde girl glanced at Matt, then back at the sky. "Matt, how do clouds stay up?"

Matt wasn't sure how to answer. He had fallen asleep when they had discussed the water cycle in elementary school, depriving him of that life-changing knowledge. However, he didn't want to admit to Brittany that he didn't know something.

"So, how about them unicorns?"

As Brittany chattered about her favourite mythical creatures, Matt discreetly let out a breath.

_Dodged a bullet there._

* * *

"Got any fours?"

"Go fish."

Sunshine frowned. Harmony was killing her at this game.

She couldn't understand it. Back in the Phillipines, she'd always beaten her mother at her improvised card games.

Then again, she'd made a rule so that no one over twenty-one could ever win.

Harmony got yet another pair, screaming a triumphant falsetto note. She was sure that if Rachel Berry had heard it, her eyebrows would have bristled with jealousy. From there, it was only a few turns away to a victory.

Sunshine shook her head. "At least I'm a better singer than you," she muttered.

"Excuse me? What was that?"

_Crap, she heard that._

"I said, at least I'm a better Asian than you," Sunshine lied. Well, not about the Asian part. Sunshine's a kickass Asian.

"No, you didn't!" Harmony put her hands on her hips. "There's only one way to settle this, diva. Sing-off, right now."

"What are we going to sing?"

"We are going to sing the best Nicki Minaj song ever- and by that, I mean the only Nicki Minaj song that doesn't suck- _Starships_!"

"Oh, bring it, sistah!"

Because this is Glee, music started playing out of nowhere, and spotlights shone down on the girls, who were now accompanied by a team of attractive male backup dancers.

(I can't copy and paste lyrics here because even if I disclaimed by mentioning I don't own the song, this story would still get deleted. So you're going to have to look up the lyrics yourself. Sorry about that.)

The song finished on both of the girls belting out an ear-blasting note, becoming increasingly louder as they attempted to outdo each other.

The dancers patiently waited, hands over their ears. It was seventeen and a half seconds (one of the guys had a watch) before they gave in and took a deep breath.

When it was all over, Sunshine drew herself up to her full height (but sadly was unable to hit 5 foot). "I was better."

Harmony rolled her eyes. "I kicked your ass."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

The back-and-forth bickering continued until one of the dancers had the good sense to strangle Harmony. A cannon went off, and Sunshine grinned.

"Hey, thanks guys!"

Her smile disappeared as the dancers began to advance on her. Further... and further... until Sunshine was literally backed into a corner.

You can all guess what happened after that.

After Sunshine's cannon fired, the backup dancers slowly began to grow wings, horns and tails, gradually losing their human appearances. They each turned a flaming red in colour, and carried pitchforks.

Sue Sylvester's army of shape-shifting demons slowly began their descent back into Hell, flicking their tongues and fluttering their wings.

* * *

"NOOOOOO!" The spine-chilling cry emanated from the teachers' lounge.

"NOOOOOO!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"Blaine, shut UP!"

"NOOOOOO!"

Blaine was weeping on the floor, while Sebastian stood over him, exasperated.

"Listen to me, Blaine. We can either have more water, which we are desperately low on, or we can have your ridiculous hair gel. Your choice."

"But... but... my hair... it's a-a _disaster _without the gel! I just- I need..."

"No, Blaine. What we _need _is water."

Blaine continued to sob, mourning the loss of his beloved hair product. Sebastian ignored Blaine, leaving the lounge to find water.

It took a long time for Blaine to recover, sitting up and wiping his eyes. He sniffled, barely noticing when someone else crept into the room.

Brittany had somehow wandered from the roof, all the way down to the teachers' lounge.

"Blaine Warbler? Are you okay?"

"No... Brittany. You wouldn't understand."

Brittany blinked, and her vacant blue eyes seemed to gain a new awareness. "I believe I would. The realization that only one of us can win has hit you, and you are currently in Stage Four of the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief. Also, you are in a serious moral debate over whether it is truly worth sacrificing your integrity by murdering innocent people, no matter what you stand to gain from it. You are also terrified by your one-in-six odds of winning, and your roots of low self-esteem are taking their toll, causing you to prematurely accept your mortality."

Blaine was completely taken aback. "Actually... I just missed my hair gel."

As soon as the sudden intelligence had appeared, it was gone. Brittany's expression returned to her default look of confusion. "Hair gel tastes good. I tasted it once, but Quinn made me stop."

The two discussed hair gel for a long time, the conversation eventually flowing to other topics. As the teenagers got sleepier, Brittany planted a tiny kiss on Blaine's nose.

"You're a really good friend, Blainey."

They fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

When Blaine woke up, the first thing he saw was red and gold. It was everywhere. It reminded him vaguely of the Gryffindor colours, but part of him was screaming to him, telling him it was all so wrong, _wrong._

He opened his eyes further, seeing and feeling and _tasting _the endless red and gold. As the fog cleared from Blaine's mind, he finally saw it.

The gold was Brittany's hair. And the red was her blood.

The boy screamed. The blood was everywhere, spilling from the spear deeply impaled in Brittany's head. Those clear blue eyes had lost their spark of life, and that adorable smile was still there. It was just so wrong.

Blaine stood on shaky legs, feeling an odd pain in his arm. Sitting at a table was Sebastian, nonchalantly reading a book. The recently-woken boy put the pieces together. Then, he launched himself at Sebastian, fury twisting his face.

* * *

Perfect place to leave it, I know. Until next time, _aloha!_


End file.
